1.04.2007

In A Moment Of Weakness

In a moment of weakness

The quality time alone
The honest laugh bestowed
The light of the match
The caress of your neck
The silent language
The tilt of your head
The atmosphere
The pupils widen
The legs cross towards
The rose in your cheeks
The lips become full
The verbiage is complete
The quiet speaks
The glint in your eye
The subtle sigh
The moment of truth
The hint in your stare
The questions in the air
The, do I dare
In a moment of weakness

10.01.2006

Cuddle Time

I lounge as you enter.
You slow as you pass.
I reposition to allow you room.
You accept with a smack on my ass.
We both grin as you lean in.
My arms receive you.
Your body leans against mine.
Then we both sigh.
We both love cuddle time.

We begin to breath together.
Enjoying the stormy weather.
“Mmmm, your so comfy Hun.”
“It’s cuz I’m fat,
but thanks for the complement.”
You smack my thigh.
I jump with surprise.
Together we laugh.
We are both being a smartass.

I wrap my arms around you.
Your hands on mine.
I hug you from behind.
You breathe in deep.
I feel a little weak.
You press against me.
My chest on your back.

We are now so very relaxed.

9.18.2006

A Friends Promise

I feel pain that is not mine.
I feel sorrow from a loss.
I feel loss for something.
Something I never obtained.
I want to cry for you.
I know you cannot.
You must be strong.
You must carry on.
I will hold your heart.
I will take your pain on.
I will guard you with all of me.
I will until the pain is gone.


For Adrienne
9/18/06 Kim Measells

8.20.2006

Is that empty place ever full?

People over eat,
Over eating to fill a hunger,
Hunger to rise above,
Rise above to better health,
Better health to live,
Live to enjoy life,
Enjoy life to feel good,
Feel good by over eating.

MaryJane

MaryJane

Friday night is our date night.
Relax and allow me to hold you.
I provide heat as you over take me.
Everything is better with you here.
Drown me with your bliss.

8.08.2006

Getting Published!!

Hello Everyone!!

I wanted to let you know that I submitted a poem into a contest that would publish select writings for a compilation poetry book by many writers. I received a notice that my poem was selected to be one of the many for their book!! I have attached the original for you if you wish to read it, but only half will be published, as there is a maximum of words that can be used for each poem. The book is set to be released in the Fall of 2006. The title of the book is “Immortal Verses”. I did a search for this title that shows a history of this publication dating back to the 50's so there is a history here and I am glad to be a part of it. Thank you for all of your support over the years my friends.

Love and miss ya,
Your friend always,
Kim Measells
(aka SSB)

P.S. I had to shorten the poem for the contest so the part below that is in italics is what will be in the book.



With Drink In Hand

With drink in hand, I enter the room. No one looks up except for you. Our eyes meet for a brief moment, and your attention is drawn back to the conversation with the group of which you are seated. My eyes fall to the steps before me as I make my way through the crowded room. Greeting unknown people with the meeting of eyes and a nod of my head. "Good evening." I reply as I slowly pass each person by.

With drink in hand, I arrive at the buffet and view the lovely array. Then realize that I feel no hunger for food. What I crave is the sustenance from another. I swirl my drink to give it a mix and as I turn I see you again. Our eyes seemed to lock with a knowing of souls. I cannot help but wonder what thoughts your mind holds. I feel a bit frozen as again an interruption pulls our eyes to part again.

With drink in hand, a person I should know begins to speak to me. Striking up meaningless conversation that others seem to enjoy. I, however, am overwhelmingly bored. My thoughts turn toward you. The one whose eyes I wish to swim into. The one who sees through this skin that holds my heart within. The only one who seemed interested that I was coming in.

With drink in hand, I escape the low mutter. The balcony holds my piece away from the others. Allowing my thoughts to wonder further into you. I ask myself if you felt the feeling I am feeling too? Was it I who attracted your attention, or just a reaction to the movement as I entered. Did you hold me in your stare because I could not break away? Or was there something there inside of you beckoning?

With drink in hand, my thoughts are silenced as a star shoots by in the grand sky before me. I am slightly startled by a soft gasp of aw that came from behind me. You came from behind and stood beside me. "Beautiful" you said. "Oh yes, very beautiful" I replied without even looking at the sky. You softly tuned your head to the side and smiled. "Would you like another drink?" you ask. "Oh yes", I reply, and sat the drink in my hand aside.

SSB 10/27/05




Here are some Kudos’ sent to me via email from friends:

“OMG that is so awesome....I am so happy for you SSB...Finally someone noticed your way with words...I mean everything you have written I absolutely think is great...now if they would just publish cum hither...lolgood job”

Crack


“Whoo Hoo Chica Doo!!!! Congrats! Can't wait to see your name in print!!! I know you work really hard on your writing and I am so proud and happy for you!
Love, me”

Deana B


“AWESOME! Remind me when the book comes out so I can get it. I wonder which part they are going to cut, though.”

Ali


“CONGRATULATIONS!!! on being published
I loved the poem!”

Wattz


“Congratulations.”

Pat G

7.15.2006

God Said, “No”.

I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, “No”.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, “No”.
Your child’s spirit is whole, the body is only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, “No”.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations; it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, “No”.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, “No”.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, “No”.
You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, “No”.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said, “Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.”

THIS DAY IS YOURS. DON'T THROW IT AWAY!

May God Bless and Keep You!
“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
“May the Lord Make his face shine upon you, and give you Peace Forever"
“Good friends are like stars...You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.”
"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world."

I did not write this. This was an email forwarded to my by my friend Frances who I love and cherrish her friendship.

6.25.2006

Support Lesbian Art

Over the years I have noticed that there are a lot of poorly made lesbian movies. They were either low budget or portrayed us as drug addicts, psychopaths, or just plain sick. I did not mind so much that the movie was low budget. I did mind that there seemed to be more movies that showed us all in a negative light. I decided to watch as many lesbian movies as possible and report those that are true but negative, and those that are scary even to those of us living the life style.

When I first came out of the closet I was exposed to very few lesbian movies, but at least my first was positive or so I thought. “Desert Hearts” was my very first lesbian movie. I felt a part of me explode with this new excitement of just how beautiful women are and fully accepted my love and feelings for women and their beauty within.
Below you will find each movie I have watched and rank them Best to Worst for your viewing pleasure. I hope you support the lesbian arts, because we support you too.

The Best:





The Worst:



There was not a photo avalible for "Butterfly Kisses" but this was the worst portrail of lesbian love I have ever witnessed!

I am sure that there are a lot more out there, but these were the main titles that were found through BlockBuster. If you have any suggestions or comments please feel free to post them here. Happy viewing.

5.02.2006

Cum Hither…continued



The first breath I take as I enter our home is the sweet smell of you wearing my favorite perfume. I close my eyes and breath in the essence of you. I feel a warmth take over my body as I am bathed in your scent and electrified by your ora. My senses have never been so alive. Oh, how I have missed you my love.

As I open my eyes, I see a path of red and white rose peddles leading me into the kitchen. By candle light alone, I see that you have left me one of your stockings neatly placed atop a bottle of our favorite white wine, nicely chilled along with a vase of long stem red roses that I had sent you while I was away. I find a soft smile has arrived upon my face. As I step closer I see that you have left me a note as well which reads “Cum hither”. My body quakes as I feel your words in the heart of me. In my soul.

With great anticipation I toss your stocking over my shoulder, place the wine chiller under my arm, and a rose between my teeth. I begin to ascend the staircase to our room when I find your other stocking neatly placed on the banister. As I ascend, I grab the stocking and toss it over my shoulder as well.






Finally, I arrive at our bedroom door, and cooled my pace as I find you dressed in some of my business cloths lying on our bed looking at me in such a way I have never seen in you before. I was stopped dead in my tracks and my breath left me for a moment. Your eyes seemed to grab me and pull me toward you with no intent of letting me go. I stepped closer towards you as you invitingly reached out your hand.

I sat beside you on the bed and placed the wine on the floor, as you took the rose from my lips, our eyes locked with such intensity. As you reached, I caught your scent, and knew that you had relieved some tension before I arrived. Your eyes never softened, then a wild kind of smerk appeared as you reached for the stockings draped across my shoulder. I knew you were up to something new and I savored every moment.

Not one word spoken between us and yet we communicated so well. You placed your hand on my shoulder gently and slowly grasped the stockings allowing your nails to rake my shirt sending chills across my chest. Slowly you slide the stockings from my possession as I lean into you and you to me. We embrace as I softly kiss your neck, feeling the softness of your skin and the sweet aroma of your desire.

At first you seem to give in to me, suddenly you push me back. You softly touch my face and then begin to run your nails down my neck and begin to unknot my tie. My eyes begin to roam over your attire. How sexy you look in my collard shirt to large for your petit figure and yet just small enough to barely hide your secrets from full view. You pull the tie from my neck, again drawing me into you. We embrace again, this time with more vigor. I feel your breath in my ear and a slight moan of want slips from your lips as I feel all of you with all of me. We kiss and become lost in the feeling of each others body so close. Such intensity between us I bit your neck and you claw my back so hard I arch away from you. As I do you grab my shirt, and rip it open. Something within us both clicked, as we seemed to have transformed in to wild animals. We both stopped for a moment and looked at each other. Our mouths were open and breathing as if we were panting, tasting each others scent in the air, as the desire between us was never this thick. Both of us waiting for the other to make the next move.

Your control being stronger than my own, you look away and begin to unknot your own tie, moving off the bed and slowly to the end so that I could watch you undress. You remove the tie from around your neck, leaving it knotted, and placing it between your teeth, then began to slowly unbutton the shirt as you crawled onto the bed and on top of me. Your back arches as I touch your chest and lightly run my fingers between your breasts, your nipples hard and showing just slightly from behind the shirt, I so desired to remove from your body.

As I attempt to pull you to me, you push me down and pin me on the bed, holding my arms out to each side. You then tease me with your soft hair lightly touching my bare chest. This relaxes me for only a moment as my desire grows for you to the point of explosion. So, I try to bring my arms in around you once again, but you push me down with frustration. You now know that I am not going to behave.

You take the still knotted tie, place it around my wrist, and pull it tight. Then tie the other end to the headboard. I was completely consumed by your breasts so close to my face and the desire had consumed me to the point that I was completely unaware of your actions. You used the tie I had worn to capture my other arm, and the stockings restrained my legs. Your body never left mine as you placed your sweet, wet, secret so close to my face, and yet not allow me to taste. The teasing and tempting seemed so unbearable and yet the pleasure exhumed from each other was over whelming.

This newfound power and control turned you on as it did me being controlled by you my love. You continued teasing me as you placed your wet warmth on my exposed chest. You wanted me to see everything as you touched and caressed your body, as I wanted to so badly. Your warm honey dripping onto my flesh as you taughted and teased me. Rubbing your warm, wetness all over my chest. Then, finally, a taste of your sweet lips pressed to mine for only a moment. My face covered with you. I now began to beg you for sweet release.

You reached over to the side table drawer and brought out a straight razor, which you placed between your teeth. You took the razor in your hand and asked, “Do you trust me?” Wide-eyed and completely caught off guard said with great confidence, “Yes my love.” You then began to cut the cloths off my restrained body with great care. Dragging the razors cold blade sideways on my flesh, so that I could feel the scratch of the sharp edge. I am now completely open for you to do anything you wish, and you know it.

You reach into the wine chiller for some ice to further prolong my torture, or so I thought. You placed the ice into your mouth and bit it in two. You then leaned into me, kissed me, and slid one of the chunks into my mouth. This was refreshing and mixed with the sweet taste of your body released my tension as I felt our connection as it was before. You lay your now naked body atop mine as we are refreshed and enjoy the cool ice. You allow a cold drop to contact my flesh, which causes me to react, renewing your lust, and I feel your cold lips kiss my chest, your tongue runs down my stomach, and ventures to my warmth that is starved for your attention. I feel your tongue still cool from the ice and yet I am on fire with your movements, motions, and penetration.

Just before I reach climax you reposition yourself so that I might enjoy your fruit as well only intensifying my inner explosion, and feeding yours as well. I love it when we cum together. As do you. This has always been our goal when making love with each other.

Completely exhausted you come and lay beside me, your head on my chest, your warm body close, and your legs hugging one of mine. You nudge me as if to say, “Hold me.” I begin to laugh uncontrollably. You look up at me, and realize, that I am still tied up, and begin to laugh with me. You come to me and we kiss. Almost in unison we say, “I love you so very much, and I have missed you so.” You grasp the razor again and cut my restraints to set me free. As your cutting the last restraint, I grab you and whisper in your ear, “Now its your turn mi amor. Cum hither.”










The Photographer is Andrew Clark.

An original written by Kim Measells

2.20.2006

A New Beginning

Thursday February 2, 2006

A Very Special THANK YOU to my friend Corrine!!!
Not only did she help me clean, pack, load the truck, run to Ike’s (a store only in Memphis) for a pad lock that would fit the truck latch, run to McD’s to get me some lunch as I seemed to be loosing my mind, and control of my emotions, listened to me bitch about the movers who took 2 hours to move 10 items, helped me turn that big ass truck around for easy departure the next morning. All of this in the rain non-the less!!! She also drove me to a friends to watch Survivor, drink beer, eat pizza, and make one last wonderful memory of us all hangin’ out together in Memphis. You were there for me when I needed help and someone to be stable for me. Thank you for your friendship and for being my pillar of strength. Thank you Cobean.

Friday February 3, 2006

I woke up at about 3 am with a wide range of emotions teetering back and forth from sad to excitement and back again. I put the puppies out side to potty, and then brought them in for a bite of breakfast. I began loading the remaining items onto the truck that we needed for the night. The puppies and I were the last to be loaded. They both had no problems climbing into that big ass truck. They looked excited to be “going” anywhere. They were so cute as they kept jockeying for position on the long seat of the truck. They could not decide who wanted the window seat! Hahahah! I double-checked all the connections, straps, and locks outside and finally took my place in the drivers seat. The 22 foot, three steps to get into the cab, diesel, Penske rental truck looked so much smaller in the picture on the net, and so did the price. This was the cheapest truck that would allow a tow rig for my car. Hell, if I knew how much room there was in the truck I could have just put the car inside too! I love compact cars!!

I am sure that I woke up everyone in a two-block radius as I turned the key and awoke the beast under the hood of the truck at 5 am. I had to let it idle for a bit to warm up and I took my time making sure I had everything I needed with in arms reach. I noticed movement out side the truck which scared the living shit outta me, and the dogs!!! It was my friend and neighbor Lisa who came out to say goodbyes and good luck to the puppies and me. I was surprised, and touched that she came out in the cold, and so early in the morning, to wish us the best. The puppies soon settled in and were both sitting up on the seat with me. Off we go.

I was determined to get as far as I could without stopping as fast as I could without getting a speeding ticket. Once we hit the interstate I kicked on the cruse control. Cassy and Shay both laid down on the seat and fell fast asleep. Cassy laid her head in my lap most of the time. There would be a bump here and there that would wake them. Every half hour our so they would swap spots and Shay would lay her head in my lap for a while. This was so sweet and really made me feel at ease. I love my puppies.

Our first pit stop was in Kingston Springs, TN. My bladder was full and the truck was at a quarter tank. Everyone noticed the chick in the big ass truck with the two dogs. I had never used the diesel lane for truckers before, but the trucker at the next pump was happy to help. I emptied my bladder, filled the truck, got some donuts, and got back on the road.

Our next stop was on the Blue Grass Parkway or the BG as the locals call it. A passenger in another truck alerted me to some problem in the back of my truck so I took the BG as I knew it was not a busy road and would be a good place to let the puppies out to potty too. I pulled over and, of course, the puppies went nuts to get out. They made it out just fine and proceeded to pull me down the side of the road. Cassy pulled, I slipped on a slick spot in the grass and fell flat on my ass!!! LOL!!! A passing trucker must have seen it because he tooted his horn as he passed by us and I am sure he/she laughed at that sight of my fall for a while. I had to laugh at my self too. Both puppies did their business quickly and I helped boost them back up into the truck. I checked the outside of the truck and the problem was that one of the ramps on the tow had bounced out a bit. No big deal, I slid it back into place and made sure it was locked in, and would not bounce out again.

We arrived in Louisville, KY. at about 2 pm that afternoon. I had printed directions to one particular house that I found on the net that was for rent, in my price range, allowed two dogs, and I had talked to the landlord before the trip. The landlord said for me to call him once I arrived in town so I could look at the place before I decided to rent it from him. I just knew this would be the place that I called home, in Kentucky. I did not have time to deal with real estate agents or leasing companies because I had to return the truck the next day. I just had a feeling, and I prayed to GOD the entire drive. I finally found the house after maneuvering that big ass truck through the U of L Campus, one-way streets, and tight turns. I still cannot believe I did not hit anything!

Praise GOD I found a safe place to park the truck with in eyeshot of the house for rent. I called my contact, Jim, to see when he could come by and let me see the inside of the house he had for rent. He said he would be right over. Turns out, he own his own business, thus the freedom to leave work when needed. While I was waiting for Jim to arrive, a car with two women pulls up in front of the house. They rolled down the window and asked me where some street was in that neighborhood. I almost fell out laughing. I smiled and let them know that I had just arrived in the city about half an hour ago, but thought I recalled passing the street on my way in. They laughed and I told them how I thought they could arrive on the street they were looking for. There were allot of people out, and about. It was a beautiful, sunny day. Everyone was very friendly and asked if I was going to be moving in. I could only reply with “I hope so.” The puppies were so good and protected the truck as if it was their own. They took turns in the drivers seat and slobbering all over the windows.

Jim soon arrived and introduced me to his wife Vicky. They seemed very nice and kind of in aw of my choice to move with out a solid place to stay. They showed me the house, the back yard, and the basement. Jim showed me all the places where copper plumbing used to be before thieves broke in and literally ripped all of it out so they could recycle it for cash. This was the main reason that Jim did not want to rent me the house. There was no running water, and anything poured down a drain ended up on the basement floor. I explained my situation to Jim and Vicky. I also explained that I needed a place to stay, and they needed security to protect the house. At first Jim said it would be a week before the house would be ready to rent. Then we would talk in general conversation about things. Jim would make comments as if he was leaning towards renting me the place. I would comment that I had cash and would pay him right then. He would turn to his wife and say, “I don’t know. What do you think”? Vicky would make a face and seem caught off guard by his question. It was very cute. They explained that they are Christians, and want to do the right thing. I said that I truly appreciated their concern, and their situation. I to am a Christian and would understand and accept their decision, but I felt that this was situation was a good one for us both. Their biggest concern was the fact that I was a single, white, female in a neighborhood that is 99.9% low income, black. I came back with I have two dogs. We all went round and round for about 3 hours. Talking about all kinds of general things and then bouncing back to the dilemma, of to rent to me or not to rent to me. I finally broke down and told them that I was a lesbian and that I am kind of on the same level with black folks. I did not feel afraid to live in this area. I explained that if they were not going to rent the house to me I would be forced to drive around in that big truck and try to find a hotel for the night or sleep in the back of the truck until morning. I think they could tell I was becoming impatient and needed a definite answer quickly. Jim asked if they could talk alone for a moment. I said that I would go check on the dogs and wait out side for them. They said they would come out once they decided.

Thank GOD, Jim, and Vicky for their decision to rent the house to me!! I went and moved the truck so it was parked closer to the house. Jim helped me get my car off the tow rig, and I paid him first months rent, security deposit, and the pet deposit in cash. Jim showed me the details of the house, and got the heat cracked up. I brought the dogs in and they went nuts checking out all the rooms. I was surprised that both Shay and Cassy LOVED Jim and Vicky. Dogs are like children, they can sense when people are bad and love them unconditionally if they are good. Cassy felt so much at home she proceeded to take a dump on the carpet in the living room right in front of Jim and Vicky!! They were very cool about the whole thing. They were like “aww, she is just nervous.” Jim and I took them both out in the back yard for a walk to relieve themselves. Jim said that he and his son would come over the next morning and install all the plumbing for the house. I would have running water by Saturday evening!!! Another blessing from God!! As soon as Jim and I brought the dogs in they both ran to the bathroom. Jim, Vicky, and I were all silenced by a loud bang. It was coming from the bathroom. It was Cassy trying to lift the toilet seat with her nose. I busted out laughing as Jim and Vicky looked at me funny. I went in and opened the lid. Cassy and Shay both seemed to dive into the toilet for water. Poor babies were dieing for water.

After Jim and Vicky left, I had to go find bottled water for the dogs and me. I had to have coffee the next morning, the puppies needed water to drink, not to mention being able to wash up before eating and going to bed. I was completely exhausted by this time, but had to go get this done and eat something before falling out altogether.

I got into my car and set out for water and food. I am not sure what, probably God, told me to turn at the next street and again at the next as in almost a u-turn as the street the house is on is a one-way. God held me and controlled my body to just the right place. I had to stop at a stop sign and when I looked to my left, I saw a Family Dollar store. “Praise God!” I exclaimed. I went inside and proceeded to grab things I thought I could use for the night and in the morning. I asked a gentleman that worked there if they had any bottled water. He said they had just sold out that day. I asked if there was another place I could go that was close by. He said very nonsulatly that the Kroger just down the road would have some. I know the look on my face changed. He continued with, “It is right next to the McDonald’s.” I was ecstatically happy!!! I said to the man, “Oh thank you, and praise God.” He smiled a great big smile. I said to him, “Not only did you help me find water, you found me dinner too!!!!!” I do not think he knew just how much his words meant to me until I made that statement. We talked briefly and I went to pay for the few items I had in my hands. I made it to the Kroger, bought tons of water, and headed to McD’s for my dinner. Finally, I can eat, and hit the sack by 10 pm. BIG SIGH OF RELIEF. This had to be the longest day ever. Good night and God bless. (YAWN)

1.03.2006

Cum Hither




I have been working out of town all week long. I am finally on my way home to you. The anticipation of seeing, holding, smelling, touching, tasting, and making love to you, it is almost too much for me to handle. My body quivers with desire every time I think of each memory you gave me through out the week. The thoughts of our week away from each other, and how hard you made it for me to stay away crosses my mind like a sweet dream. A daydream, as I return to you my love.

I remember how you teased me all week with text messages filled with sexual innuendo. The one time the boss was standing behind me when I read your text on my phone, “PLEZ CUM TO ME!”. I could have sworn I heard your soft voice whisper these words in my ear as I read them. I blushed profusely as you know how much I LOVE it when you beg.



You sent me sexy cell phone photos of yourself all week long as well. Each one brought memories of you and I rushing into my mind. You were SO bad, but in SUCH a good way. Photos of the shower, the mirrored wall, the back seat of our car, the kitchen floor, all the places that you and I had made love and connected so deeply. Each time I closed my eyes all I could see was your perfect body wet in a steamy shower. Your long legs wrapped around my waist tightly as I press your sweaty body against the cool glass. You mounting me as I fill all of your warmth, with all of mine, and our eyes locked with such passion. I will never forget the “9 ½ Weeks” moment, blindfolded tasting of foods, and each other. All the places we felt our love the strongest and connected in the deepest ways.



Each time I felt the vibration in my pocket, I smiled, as I knew it was you. My work associates poked fun, rolled their eyes, and joked about paying to see some of the things you were sending me. They knew any price would be worth it based only on my reactions as I received each and every item from you each and every time. They did not understand that it was not just the item you sent, but also the memory and the meaning behind each one. They were only special between you and me, as it should be between lovers and friends.



I could not wait to get to the hotel, to talk to you at the end of each day. I could not wait to hear your voice on the end of the line, and see your beautiful smile from the web-cam. I loved telling you about all the grief my co-works gave me each day. The stories always made you laugh and, God, I love to hear you laugh. You always end a good laugh with a sexy kind of, “hhuuummmmmmm” and that smile of yours, oh how you glow. We would begin to flirt and talk about the memory behind the photo you sent, our time at that moment together. We talked every night on the phone before we lay down to rest our starving bodies. How I longed to have you close to me as we help each other release the tension, but only for the moment. Sleep would over take us and, I dreamed of you. The one who makes my heart whole.



Finally, I arrive to our home after stopping only to freshen myself up. I do not know what to expect once I open the door, but I know it will be good. So, I collect myself, and open the door. I announce my arrival with our greeting “Hola Mi Amor”.

To be continued…

The Photographer is Andrew Clark.

An origianl written by Kim Measells

1.01.2006

Social Anxiety Disorder

Welcome to your way-point for everything related to social phobia / social anxiety disorder. The purpose of this website (http://www.socialanxietydisorder.net/) is to educate, inform, promote self-help, and provide a way to facilitate dialogue between those who suffer from social phobia.

What is social anxiety disorder?
Social anxiety disorder is an anxiety disorder in which people fear social situations where they might be embarrassed or judged. When put in a social situation where they might become anxious sufferers have symptoms such as a racing heart, trembling, blushing or even sweating. This anxiety disorder is not uncommon by any stretch of the imagination, because it affects more than five million Americans any given year.

Is This You
Do you always feel like others are judging you? Do you find it difficult meeting new people or doing public speaking? Maybe you feel uneasy about eating in public. If you have ever felt this way then you may have social anxiety disorder.

Social phobia is not to be confused with shyness. Social anxiety is far more intense than shyness, and can keep you from functioning in everyday life. People with social anxiety want to interact with others, but are overcome with fear.

Others like yourself
You are not online. Social anxiety affects millions in the United States alone and even more world wide. Myself and others, who know what you're going through, have developed a self-help community called Anxiety Forum. At the Anxiety Forum you can talk to others who have social anxiety, like yourself. You can share coping techniques, experiences, or just find companionship. Click Here to continue to the talk forum

Symptoms of social anxiety disorder
There are a wide range of physical symptoms a social phobia sufferer could experience if a person anticipates or are in a social anxiety provoking situation. The severity of anxiety a person could experience might vary depending on the number of people the anxiety sufferer sees and the type of social situation.

Here is a list of common social situations that could induce an anxiety in someone who social anxiety disorder:

Public speaking
Eating in public
Being interviewed by a stranger
Writing in public
Shopping
Speaking with strangers
Using the phone
Attending social events (e.g., parties, concerts)
Using public restrooms
Talking with important people or authority figures
Crowds
Doing any sort of activity where the person might be watched

If put in one of the above social anxiety provoking situations, a sufferers heart might start beating more rapidly and their palms maybe begin sweating The person soon exhibiting all the signs of an anxiety attack; the response to flee the situation begins. The feelings or anxiety or panic don't ease until after that person has left the anxiety causing situation.

Physical symptoms of social anxiety disorder vary from person to person but below is a common list of symptoms associated with this mental disorder. Keep in mind that these symptoms could occur before (steadily increasing in severity before the event) or during the social anxiety causing event/situation:

Rapid heartbeat
Involuntary twitching
Shaky voice
Dry mouth
Sweating
Muscle tension
Ticks
Upset stomach
Confusion
Trembling or shaking
Blushing

Remember that the above list is just a "common" list of physical symptoms a person with social anxiety disorder could have. We will continue to update our list.

Frequently Asked Questions for Social Anxiety Disorder
This article was formed to ask those questions everyone wants answers to has concerning social anxiety. If you have a question that is not found here, then we encourage you to send your question to us by using our contact form. You can find a link to this page in the bottom navigation bar.

Q: What is social anxiety disorder?

A: It is the intense fear of social situations where the sufferer feels he or she might be watched, judged, embarrassed, or criticized. Example social situations include public speaking, dating, and eating in public. This irrational fear is signified by physical symptoms such as sweating, rapid heart beat, and shaking. These combined symptoms are also known as anxiety attacks.
Keep in mind that this list of frequently asked questions is constantly updated to answer important questions.

Q: When is the onset of social phobia?
A: Social anxiety usually begins in childhood or adolescence.

Q: Is there a silver bullet cure for social anxiety disorder?
A: No, but you can gradually overcome social anxiety with treatment so you can lead a normal life without fear.

Q: I think I have social anxiety disorder what should I do?
A: First you should take the SPIN test, and take the results to a qualified mental health professional such as a psychologist or a psychiatrist.

Q: What causes social anxiety disorder?
A: Researchers and scientists do not have a definitive answer, but some think it maybe because of a chemical imbalance in the brain. Others think that social phobia is a result of heredity. Some other researchers suggest that social phobia in some people might be the result of conditioned fear.

Q: How many people suffer from social anxiety disorder?
A: The National Institute of Mental Health reports that close to five million people in the United States have social phobia.

Q: What medications are commonly used to treat social anxiety disorder?
A: Neorontin, Paxil (an SSRI).

Q: Is there a link between social anxiety disorder and depression?
A: Yes, anxiety sufferers usually develop depression as a result of social anxiety disorder. This is commonly called a spill-over effect.

Q: Who suffers from social anxiety disorder?
A: Social phobia develops in women twice as frequently as men. This trend is about the same throughout mental health. Also a greater proportion of males with social anxiety disorder seek treatment than females.

Q: Are there any silver bullet cures for social anxiety disorder?
A: No, but you can overcome it with treatment so you can lead a normal life without fear.

Life with Social Phobia
Without doing research first, a person would probably deduce that shyness is the same as social anxiety disorder; the two are worlds away from each other. People with social anxiety want to have friends and lead normal lives, but they fear rejection or embarrassment in particular social situations.

This article will look at different social situations and give you an insight into what the socially anxious person feels in those situations. We will look at social anxiety in the classroom, dating, and eating in public.

Social Anxiety Disorder in the Classroom
We all know it is important to ask for help in a classroom setting if you have concerns, if you have a question, or do not understand something. For a person with social anxiety disorder, the fear of "asking a stupid question" might be enough to keep them from asking at all. In some other cases, they might not ask a teacher for help because they fear that the educator will think they are "dumb" or "stupid." In some cases this will lead to poor grades on the side of the anxiety sufferer.

Individuals with social anxiety disorder are often overlooked or "invisible" in the classroom. They will appear to be uninterested by teachers because they fail to ask for help when their grades continue to fall. Sometimes the fear that comes along with social anxiety is so great that many will choose to drop out of school.

Dating With Social Anxiety
Did you know social phobia sufferers are far less likely to get married or even date for that matter? Dating is one of the social interactions that people with social anxiety disorder fear. It is the fear of rejection that will keep people from dating. Statements such as "I won't or don't know what to say" or "He or She won't like me" are common from those who suffer from this debilitating anxiety disorder. Men with social anxiety will tend to worst end as far as dating goes because of social norms, because it is usually expected that a male will approach a female to initiate courting.

Eating and Writing in Public
Most people eat out at restaurants, but for the person with social anxiety it is a dreaded thing. A person with social phobia will fear that when they're eating out that other people will think he or she is not following proper eating manners. If with social anxiety does choose to "eat out" they will endure it with extreme distress.

Lastly, we look at sufferers who fear writing in public. Signing forms or other documents in public is a trivial act to most people. For those with social anxiety, blushing, sweating, and trembling are all too common physical symptoms that occur when trying to write something in front of others. The person with social phobia will think the person in front of them or behind him or her is criticizing their penmanship. Sometimes the person who suffers from social anxiety will think the person watching him/her thinks the sufferer is taking too much time to write or sign something.

From this article alone, a person could deduce that social anxiety disorder can limit a person socially, financially, and academically.

Herbal Remedies for Anxiety
It is well known that for hundreds of years that people have used herbs for treating many ailments that plague the body, but did you know herbs can also be used to treat anxiety?
There are many anxiety sufferers who are actively seeking a safer alternative to modern medicine. This article will overview some of the well known herbs used for treating anxiety.

Kava Kava
Kava Kava is starting to become more well known as a safer way to treat anxiety symptoms. The plant itself is called piper methysticum which is indigenous to Hawaii; the plant can be used as a local anaestetic.

St. Johns Wart
St. Johns Wart is one of the more well known of the herbs that are used to treat anxiety. Known by its scientific name, hypericum perforatum, it it's a wild plant native to Asia and Europe.
This herb can be purchased at most department stores that offer a vitamin section.

Rosemary
Rosemary,other wise known as rosmarinus officinalis, is well known for its use by cooks, but did you know it can aid in relieving depression? The herb itself is native to the Mediterranean coast.

Skullcap
Scientifically known as Scutellaria galericulata, Skullcap is a perennial plant from North America. The plant itself is used for tension headaches and anxiety.

Lavender
Lavender is another well known herb that is native to Europe The flowers of the plant (which are purple in color) can be used to make an herbal tea which has the effect of reducing stress.

Social anxiety disorder treatment
Treatment is the only option for an anxiety disorder that will become worse overtime. Social anxiety can keep you from living a happy successful life by hindering your ability to work or have interpersonal relationships. Life with social phobia may feel like it's without hope, but there are treatment options available to treat social anxiety. With time, most people will be able to live productive lives, fear free. This article will overview treatment options available for social anxiety disorder.

Finding treatment
Before you can get treatment for social anxiety disorder you have to find treatment. You will know which health care professional is right for you, what questions to ask him or her, and much more.

Which treatment option(s) are best for me?
Treatment that best helps someone with social phobia varies from person to person. For example, some people might respond to well to medications, but others maybe require behavior therapy plus medication. You should consult with your mental health professional to help you decide what is best for you.

Home Treatment
There are many things an anxiety sufferer can do by themselves that can help alievate some of the anxiety. Firstly, a person should get plenty of sleep, have a balanced diet, and exercise. Some people use alcohol or illicit drugs to help them gain confidence in feared social situations; it only leads to addictions such as alcoholism or substance abuse.
You can check of simple things you can do to relieve anxiety that is plaguing you.

Tips for Reducing Anxiety, Stress, and Depression in Your Life
This mini article has tips you can use to reduce the amount of stress, depression, and anxiety that maybe plaguing your life. We will continue to add new tips in the future.

Reducing Anxiety and Depression
  • Take slow, deep breaths
  • Meditate or pray
  • Avoid alcohol, because this may lead to sleep problems or even trigger panic attacks.
  • Stop smoking. The nicotine can cause panic attacks in some people.
  • Stop having caffeine. Caffeine sources include coffee and soft drinks.
  • Exercise burns up stress causing chemicals such as adrenaline and cortisol, and this will help you to relax. Exercise also boosts serontin, which is an feel-good endorphin, it'll also help reduce sleep abnormalities, a factor in stress brain. If your depression is linked to the way you look, then exercise will positively help boost self-esteem by reshaping the way you look at yourself.
  • Create small, obtainable goals for yourself then once you reach your goal, reward yourself.

Reducing Stress

  • Get a massage or backrub
  • Learn and practice various relaxation techniques
  • Seek social support from friends
  • Manage your time more effectively; keep a daily planner
  • Exercise regularly
  • Get a proper amount of sleep
  • Eat regular, balanced meals

Treatment by Medication
Medications are usually on the front lines in the battle against social phobia, but there are many different classes of drugs that help alleviate symptoms of social anxiety.

SSRI (SSRI - Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor. A class of antidepressants (as fluoxetine or sertraline) that inhibit the inactivation of serotonin by blocking its reuptake by presynaptic nerve cell endings.) are usually the first class of drugs that are prescribed to help combat social anxiety. Paxil, a widely used and publicized drug, also belongs to the SSRI drug class.
There are other drug classes such as benzodiapines, MAOI's and beta-blockers which are used to treatment social anxiety.

Social Anxiety Disorder Medications
This article defines and lists pharmological drugs that are used to treat anxiety. Also this article guides you with questions you should ask your doctor before you take any drugs, you're prescribed for social phobia.

Questions for your Mental Health Professional
It is important to know about the medication prescribed to you so you know of any potential side effects, any drug interactions, and if the medication will properly treat your anxiety. With all the aforementioned being said, the following are questions you should ask your doctor before taking any medication for anxiety:

  • What is the function of the medication?
  • What are the side effects of taking this medication?
  • When do I take this medication?
  • Is it safe to drive or operate heavy machinery while taking this medication?
  • Are there any drug interactions that I should know about?
  • How long will I be taking this medication?
  • Knowing Your Anti-Anxiety Medications

All medications used to treatment are not the same, but there are six different drug anti anxiety drug classes. The six anti anxiety drug classes are beta-blockers, tricylic antid-depressants, monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOI), selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI), anticonvulsant, and benzodiazepines tranquilizers.

Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors
A popular class of drugs used to treat social phobia are the SSRI's, better known as selective Serotonin reuptake inhibitors. This class of drugs is an antidepressant that affects one type of neurotransmitter called serotonin. Prozac, Paxil, Celexa, and Zoloft are household names in this drug class.

Tricylic AntiDepressants
In the late 1990s the world was introduced to another class of drugs called tricyclics. The late 1990s ushered in new medications that, like the tricyclics, affect both norepinephrine and serotonin but have fewer side effects. These new medications include venlafaxine (Effexor) and nefazadone (Serzone).

Behavior Therapy
When medication doesn't take care of the job alone or when a person prefers therapy only, cognitive-behavior therapy is used. This type of therapy replaces negative self-thoughts with positive ones. Therapy through exposure, skills training, or support is often used to help an individual with social phobia build confidence and eventually overcome social anxiety.

Helping family members with social anxiety
Living and coping with social anxiety disorder is hard, but it's even harder when an anxiety sufferer feels that his or her family doesn't understand. The strain that social anxiety disorder puts on family relationships can have a very negative impact. For example if a relative wants to go out to eat at a restaurant, the socially anxious person maybe be extremely reluctant to participate because of the fear of eating in public. It's not the fear of just eating in public its the fear that he/she might not be displaying the proper etiquette. This form of anxiety is commonly referred to performance anxiety by some.

If you're a family member of someone who has social anxiety disorder, then you first need to realize that social phobia is a SERIOUS medical condition that affects millions of people every and every year.

Steps to helping your family member cope successfully
Learn about the social anxiety disorder as much as you can, and even read case stories if available. If your family member has made some achievements in the fight against anxiety, then praise him or her for their accomplishments.

Don't try to force your family member into social situations they are not comfortable with, but rather try to be flexible while sticking to a normal routine.

Lastly, do not treat them differently, but act normally as usual.

On a personal note

I truly hope that the information above might help you determine and deal with this very real issue.

You see, I suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder. I wished I had recognized and worked on this illness of mine long ago. I always knew that there was something wrong, but was afraid to ask others why I had these feelings of great stress. When I did I was told I was just being silly. Others had no idea how I was feeling including my parents. They did force me to do things I did not want to do. Maybe this is why I don't remember a lot about my childhood.

I had to go through a major emotional / mental breakdown before I accepted my illness and began to really identify and work on my issues. I consulted a drug and talk therapist and they allowed me to decide that I needed medication. I am currently on medication (Effexor XR) which helps me to focus and understand the feelings I have and why.

Do not allow others to FORCE you to do or experience anything you do not want too. Only YOU control YOUR life. Experience things when YOU are comfortable. Your friends and family who truly love you will understand and help you if you begin to feel signs of anxiety. Those who do not understand or continue to push or pull you do not care about your feelings. These people are lacking self-esteem and feel that controlling you gives them strength. Do not spend time with these people until you regain your confidence within yourself to be strong enough to say NO and mean it.

God loves you. God will only give you as much as you can handle. People will play with you.

There is nothing wrong with walking away from a person who is trying to "push your buttons" and gain control of you.

I love and care for all of you who have supported me in life.

Thank you. God bless and keep you all.

SSB

12.30.2005

"You can't judge a book by it's cover."

At some time or another we have heard friends or relatives express this thought with a serious or concerned tone in their voice. To most, this is merely a series of words used to counsel someone who pre-judges individuals and their surroundings. Most of us overlook the under lying meaning of such sayings; we simply choose not to listen for the moral or meaning of the phrase. Instead we merely nod our heads in agreement and pretend to hear what ever is being said to us. It is difficult not to pre-judge people.

For instance, let's say there's a police car at 7-11. You're driving passed and notice a black or Hispanic running from that general area. What are you're first thoughts? Now use the same scenario except the running person is now a well-groomed white man. How do you perceive this situation?

There is a public service announcement which is a good visual example of typical categorization. The advertisement begins with a group of guys talking, high-fiveing, and caring on, displaying that they are comfortable with each others company. They are all wearing paper bags over their heads, concealing their physical appearance. Then they begin to remove the paper bags, and the realization of their differences set in. The single group of guys slowly form into individual groups, according to their color. Once the black and whites establish their individual group, a glaring look of confrontation develops. The announcement closes by asking why can't we all be color blind, and why can't we all get along?

We have all unjustifiably pre-judged individuals, and placed them into categories because of his or her physical appearance, before we have a chance to get to know his or her inner qualities. If we could only stop talking about the many different covers and start reading the books we all have inside us. Peace, love, and the fall of racism would become a reality.

Don't judge the cover before reading the entire book.

An origianl written by Kim Measells

Annoying Commercials

At one time or another, we have had the displeasure of encountering paid advertisements either on the radio, television, and even at our local movie theater. A few of these advertisements can be entertaining and even humorous, but most are incredibly irritating to say the least.

Television exposes us to commercials much more than radio and theaters. Almost everyone is familiar with the Burger King guy constantly going on and on about how much he "LOVES this place," and every comedian has written material on the Life Alert lady, "I've fallen and I can't get up." Why is this lady yelling? She knows there is not anyone around; besides she has the Life Alert device hanging around her neck. Just push the button lady!

Now that was an annoying commercial, but who could forget the wonderful choreography illustrated by the elderly lady (sleeping with the lights and television on) when she wakes to the Jingle Singers bellowing in cadence, "Clap-on...Clap-off...Clap-on clap-off, the clapper."

Radio is also well known for its irritating commercials. As if simply interrupting our favorite tunes is not enough, announcers insist on informing us, with their echoing and tunnel voice effects, when and where the next monster truck race is being held. Better yet, how about the HUB Furniture company? It seems they have advertised for the past two years that this Saturday only will be their store wide clearance sale, but "don't bring money." Fortunately, it is fairly easy to avoid these interruptions we encounter daily via tape players, compact disk players, and simply changing the station.

As if bombarding us constantly with their mini-productions called commercials on our televisions and radio isn't enough, we must now contend with the theaters advertising products before the films; for instance, the advertisement for the AMC Movie Watcher card is not only a cheap, unimaginative commercial, it is also stupid. This length of film is supposed to depict how much these "regular" people enjoy their movie watching experience at AMC. AMC's definition of "regular" is a man wearing a white suit who is on a date with his girl robed in a dinner dress. This must be quite a movie watching experience to go through the trouble of dragging out their best white suit. The real question comes at the end of this advertisement. There is a close-up of a girl's head and then she turns around to reveal that she is wearing sunglasses in the theater. I ask you if it is possible to watch a movie wearing sunglasses? To conclude I am embarrassed to admit that I have an AMC Movie Watcher card.

For the time being, the only solution to dealing with annoying commercials is to keep the remote in hand, the radio close by for easy station flipping, and always arrive late to the movie of your choice.

An origianl written by Kim Measells

The Perfect Shot

While walking along a back road you glance to the right and notice, through a barrier of trees, a beach; obviously beaten by the whitecaps of the blue green ocean. Upon the horizon the sun, burning blood red, paints the sky a multitude of colors. While taking in this gorgeous sight you notice a woman walking along the beach silhouetted in a melancholy mood. You see your chance to obtain the perfect frame and then move to a more strategic position. You locate an area with the best possible angle. You then grasp your weapon of choice and, while frantically fingering the many focusing devices, you now have the woman in your sights. You aim carefully and pull the trigger. You realize that you have committed the perfect crime; capturing the perfect image, containing a similar mood and feeling, on a frame of film. You then realize that you're not sure if you used black and white or color film. To most individuals the type of film is unimportant, but to photographers the type of film used could mean the difference between an OK picture and a great photograph. Photography should be more than appealing to the eye. It should also hold a mood or feeling. In the case mentioned above, color film would have been the best choice. The many majestic colors in the scene set the romantic feeling and the silhouette of the woman alone enhances her melancholy mood. Another example of feelings and mood captured on color film might be a romantic Fall afternoon, because of the multicolor leaves that Fall brings. To put it simply, if a feeling or mood is mainly in the color of the scene then color film is your best choice. Black and white film is similar to color in the aspect that it can also capture a mood or feeling. The obvious difference is that color is absent so holding a mood or feeling expressed is prominently on an individual item or expression within the content of the photograph. If you were to use black and white film in the story above, the mood and feeling would be the same except that the item that you would notice first would be the woman and not the sunset. The dominate colors of the sunset would overpower the woman in the silhouette, loosing her completely. In closing, I hope that this has helped you understand the difference between color and black and white film, other than the obvious. Everyone is an amateur photographer inside. Just remember that "practice makes perfect", so get trigger happy and shoot a friend today.

An origianl written by Kim Measells

With Drink In Hand




With drink in hand, I enter the room. No one looks up except for you. Our eyes meet for a brief moment, and your attention is drawn back to the conversation with the group of which you are seated. My eyes fall to the steps before me as I make my way through the crowded room. Greeting unknown people with the meeting of eyes and a nod of my head. "Good evening." I reply as I slowly pass each person by.

With drink in hand, I arrive at the buffet and view the lovely array. Then realize that I feel no hunger for food. What I crave is the sustenance from another. I swirl my drink to give it a mix and as I turn I see you again. Our eyes seemed to lock with a knowing of souls. I cannot help but wonder what thoughts your mind holds. I feel a bit frozen as again an interruption pulls our eyes to part again.

With drink in hand, a person I should know begins to speak to me. Striking up meaningless conversation that others seem to enjoy. I, however, am overwhelmingly bored. My thoughts turn toward you. The one whose eyes I wish to swim into. The one who sees through this skin that holds my heart within. The only one who seemed interested that I was coming in.

With drink in hand, I escape the low mutter. The balcony holds my piece away from the others. Allowing my thoughts to wonder further into you. I ask myself if you felt the feeling I am feeling too? Was it I who attracted your attention, or just a reaction to the movement as I entered. Did you hold me in your stare because I could not break away? Or was there something there inside of you beckoning?

With drink in hand, my thoughts are silenced as a star shoots by in the grand sky before me. I am slightly startled by a soft gasp of aw that came from behind me. You came from behind and stood beside me. "Beautiful" you said. "Oh yes, very beautiful" I replied without even looking at the sky. You softly tuned your head to the side and smiled. "Would you like another drink?" you ask. "Oh yes", I reply, and sat the drink in my hand aside.

SSB 10/27/05
For Sweets.
An origianl written by Kim Measells

A Wet Dream




Before reading...click on the link: http://www.myspace.com/ashleymcbryde and select the song "Come Tomorrow" so that it will play in the background while you read about....

A Wet Dream.

It has been a long day full of lazy laughter after deep discussion of silly things, a lot of cold alcoholic beverages, hot summer sun that darkens our skin as we lounge beside the refreshing cool blue pool.We are silenced only by the, aw, of a breath taking sun set. Our friendship has grown stronger this day. We have learned so much about each other. There is a mutual feeling of closeness though we do not discuss it, there is no need to, and both of us feel this from each other. Warmer than the afternoon sun is this feeling. Night has slowly risen from the dusk, as we sit silently listening to the sounds of crickets discussing the day they have had. We both sigh with mutual contentment of the comfortable silence between us. I feel as though there is a tug to my left and I slowly look over to find your eyes. You are lit only by the light of the glimmering pool and the reflection of the full moon that now hangs above us in the sky. As if I were star gazing, I find myself deep with in your eyes. There is a soft yet primal feel that is extremely sensual. A small smile appears on my face as if I am in approval of this feeling we are sharing in this quiet moment, just you and I, alone, together. You then stand and express the need to take a dip to cool off. I smile widely and my eyes follow you as you walk into the water. Its light takes you over with each step. You plunge yourself under and swim to the far end of the pool. As you surface in front of the pool light I can not pull my eyes from you and your body now in silhouette. I am so over taken by the beauty before me that I sit up from my lounge and I feel the face of want and desire over come me. I am not aware that you can see my expression and stance change, but you do. I feel your eyes locked with mine. At that moment we almost dare each other to step beyond the bond of friendship to lovers. Slowly you swim back toward me. You are still only a vision in dark shadows as you continue to move towards me. The shape of your well defined body causes my heart to pump fast within my chest. With anticipation and question I ask "Am I dreaming or is this real?" You stay silent as your ora of sensuality flows from you like the cool water from the warm curves of your body. As you step from the pool I now realize that you have removed your bathing suit. I feel my body shutter with little earth quakes and say "This has got to be a dream." Now close enough to touch, you place your hands on my face and lean into my ear. "This is no dream." I remove my clothing so that we may feel each others flesh and our heart begin to beat as one as you cover me with only you. We make love under the lunar and star lit heavens, until we lovingly embrace the beauty of a majestic sunrise. We rise together to find refuge behind doors for when sweet slumber over comes us and our weakened bodies we wish that our limbs be intertwined and our hearts as close to each other as we feel in our souls core.

7/31/05 --Posted by SSB to wisperin blue 7:38:00 PM
An origianl written by Kim Measells

...Try, try again...?

Most everyone is familiar with the phrase, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."

This might be true with some areas of life like sports, activities, and games. "Practice makes perfect." flows right in with this philosophy, but do these philosophies ring true for ALL areas of life including love relationships?

The first time I fell in love I just knew it was forever. For five years, on and off, we tried to make our love and relationship work. I kept breaking us up because of lies, lack of communication, lack of trust, alcoholism, and finally drug abuse. I did not feel that I could trust this person to share my life with so I ended it. Each and every time I ended the relationship only to see them get "better" and my love returned for them. I missed them so much I felt like I could not breath. Over the off and on years I was finally hurt so many times by this person until my love was finally dead for them. I did not succeed at first and I tried again and again just to end up with dead love. I realize that the problems were not all mine, though I was made to feel that it was all, my fault. Only after four years of no talking and contact between us we are finally able to be friends. I know that I can never be in a relationship with this person again, but as friends, this seems doable now. I even helped my ex to warm up to another person I thought would be a good match for them. They are now together and seem happy. I am very glad for them both.

Is it this way for all love relationships?

I have felt an even stronger love for another. We met some years ago through a mutual friend. I did not think much about them at first, but then we introduced our selves. A firm handshake and eye to eye contact, at that moment I felt lightning strike my soul. I have never felt a connection so strong as I had at that moment. They were kind of involved with another, and though I made a strong impression I knew I could not impose. I then got involved in a relationship with another. I always wanted to be around the one I felt the strong connection with. I just knew that I was not as interesting to them as they were to me. For years we were friends. I ended my relationship and the connection drew me to this person I just knew was "THE ONE". The soul mate everyone searches for. We talked all night and seemed to have so much in common. Once we were in a relationship, their thoughts seemed to linger with their experiences with lost ex's. That seemed to be all they wanted to talk about. I delbt with it, but damn, I wanted to talk about US not them. They also enjoyed flirting with just about everyone as well. This really tapped into my trust issues. They seem to be a roller coaster and I seem to be a long, flat stretch of highway.

Can a roller coaster and a flat highway learn to live happily together? We tried and tried over and over again. I was resistant to therapy at that time. I ended the relationship. I also stopped all communication and contact because I could not deal with the extreme love hate relationship we had between us. We had a strong sexual attraction for each other. This caused extreme sexual tension for us both, and seemed that if we were not sexually involved sexually, we fought like two cats. I could not deal with the thought of them being sexual with another in any way shape or form. They just seemed to sense this and continued to do things that made me feel inadequate. We have not been in contact for over a year now. Could we be friends again? I know I still feel the sexual, mental, and emotional connection and strong love for the roller coaster even though we have had zero contact all this time. I cannot help but wonder, what if. What would happen if we tried again? Would we end up back at square one? Have we both changed and grown enough to be able to be in a healthy relationship? I know that I have felt a hole, an emptiness since we cut contact. They seem to feel the same even though they are engaged to another. I have met others that I felt an attraction for, but just did not seem near as strong as the one I have with this roller coaster. As long as the roller coaster is engaged I will not attempt any form of contact with them. I do not wish to be the reason they break up. This I know for a fact.

Did I learn a lesson from my first relationship?

If you both try and try but all you have is pain and hurt that eventually kills the love that was there. Should you keep trying or is this just some form of self-mutilation?

Your input and experiences on this topic would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,
SSB

9/09/2005 09:45:00 AM

The answers to most of my questions posted above is NO.
Thanks to everyone who read and replied to this post.
You are truley my best friends!

Happy New Year!!! I hope...LOL
SSB

An origianl written by Kim Measells

The Sphinx Posted by Picasa

The Sphinx is a composite beast with a woman's face and eagle's wings on a lion's body. It corresponds to the Sun and to the elements of earth and air. Call upon the Sphinx for sex, magic, amorousness, and riddles. Sphinx (the Throttler) is an assyrian calendar goddess who devours men/women when they fail to correctly answer her riddles. Sands of Time are collected from between the paws of the Sphinx and can be used to increase longevity.
(quoted from The Wicca Handbook by Eileen Holland)